I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
