dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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