I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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