something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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