I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I AM VODKA MAN
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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