i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
