Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
