This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize