you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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