Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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