I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
