fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize