my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
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