I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
