Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
