i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
