i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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