My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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