Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
