my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
