he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
