When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Terrible idea I love it
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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