So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
