I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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