We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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