he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
