You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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