got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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