She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The best revenge is premature balding
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
