Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
