things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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