i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
