you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
is it fun? or sober?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
