sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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