i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
