I wish I could punch you in the face.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
