Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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