You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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