we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
