ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize