i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
