I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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