my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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