You can't special order awesome
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
