I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so let's talk penis.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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