Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
two words: eviction party
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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