my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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