tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize