remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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