she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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