70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
