A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Quick, to the slutcave!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
