you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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