worst night to have a conscience
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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