just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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